God, No
by Guardian1
Summary: My response to this whole FF8 partnership deal. A touching, charming story about Squall finding true love.


God, No  
____________

This was it. The moment that defined his entire life. 

Squall held out the open box to Rinoa and held his breath.

"Rinoa Heartilly, will you marry me?"

There was a moment of pure silence. 

Then Rinoa knocked the box out of Squall's hand and burst into tears.  
"I can't go on living this lie!"

Squall blinked and looked up from the box. "... I know the Cafeteria  
isn't the most romantic place, but - "

"It's not that, Squall! I'm in love with someone else!"

He blinked even more, then stood up so quickly he knocked over a chair.

"We've been dating for three months. I'm sorry, Squall..."

Squall unsheathed Lionheart and gritted his teeth. "Who is he?!"

A pair of slim pale arms encircled his former love's waist and he  
followed them up to see a lock of blonde hair fall over Rinoa's cheek  
as the assailant nibbled at her ear. Rinoa giggled and batted playfully  
at Quistis' arms.

Squall sat down again with a bump.

"Really, Squall," Irvine protested, coming up to the side of the pair.  
"We thought you'd notice."

"Rinoa... and Quistis?"

"Yeah. I think it's cute!" Selphie piped up, at Irvine's side, as per  
always.

"C'mon, Squall," Quistis spoke up, turning her head to him as Rinoa  
moved down to lick at her neck. "You can find true love. Just like me  
and Rinoa, or Selphie and Angelo."

Squall was depressed, but he knew enough to cock an eyebrow. "Selphie  
and Angelo?"

Selphie blushed. "Booyaka! We're not going steady yet."

The dark-haired boy looked at them all steadily until he determined  
that indeed yes, they were all insane. "So Irvine, who are _you_  
dating?" he asked sarkily.

Irvine gave him a huge grin. "Well, I couldn't decide between Cid and  
Edea... so I just took them both! Hah, hah, hah!"

Squall shuddered and began to back away slowly. "Whatever..."  
On cue, mainly because this is a fanfic, Seifer and his posse strode  
into the cafeteria. Seifer took one look at Squall and laughed long  
and loud. "Wah, hah, hah! Looks like my old rival Squall is in   
trouble." Seifer smirked at the man cowering from him, paying no   
attention to the two girls making out beside him.

"Go away, Seifer. I am busily going insane," Squall said calmly.

"He just found out Rinoa's cheating on him, so he's in a mega-bummer,"  
Selphie explained to the blonde.

Seifer nodded sagely. "Hell. That can do bad shit to a man. If I ever  
found MY honey cheating on someone, I'd say, 'Hey, bitch, get back in  
the kitchen and make me some -' "

"Seifer Almasy! You don't get back here right now, I won't play the  
spanking game with you tonight!"

His demeanor immediately became docile and he turned around and whined  
to the large woman standing at the door beside her son. "Aw, Mrs Dincht,  
do I haveta?"

"That's Mistress Dincht to you!"

"Yes, Mistress."

"ZELL!" Fujin squealed delightedly, recognizing the chocobo-haired  
shadow behind Ma Dincht. 

"Oooh! Fujie-baby!" Zell squirmed beside his mother and ran into the  
silver-haired woman's embrace. "My pookie-wookie-wuv."

"CHOCOBO-DARLING-DEAR," Fujin said affectionately, rubbing his back and  
making sloppy kissing noises as Ma Dincht put Seifer's collar back on.

Squall whimpered and hid under the table.

Selphie got to her knees and smiled cheerfully at the trembling man.  
"C'mon, Squall. None of us want to hurt you. We just want you to be  
happy!"

"Redrum, redrum, redrum," Squall whimpered back. "Black materia.   
Do the Dew, man. I'm going insane!"

"Calm down, Squallie," she soothed. "Just loosen up - oooh, hey, Ange!  
Wanna doggie biscuit?"

Squall wriggled out from underneath the table and looked around the   
room. Selphie was feeding Angelo the aforementioned doggie biscuit.   
Ma Dincht was tying Seifer over a table and getting a paddle out of her  
handbag. Zell was alternately sucking on Fujin's neck and whispering  
sweet nothings in her ear. Squall thanked Hyne for his hair at that  
moment, because it hid the vision of Rinoa slowly trickling melted   
butter down Quistis' top. 

Squall clenched his eyes shut and took some deep breaths. Yeah. This   
was all normal. Be cool, Squall. Besides... there was one lonely person  
in the room who was... tugging on his heartstrings with the pathetic  
look on their face. Besides, Squall always did have a strange attraction  
to the person... this looked like the perfect time to act.

He smoothed his hair and strutted cooly over to the person's side,   
clearing his throat nervously. "Well... whatever, I don't know about  
you, but... I've always... had this urge to..."

Raijin's eyes lit up like fairy lights. "Your room or mine, ya know?!"  
_______________

Squall woke up screaming.

It took him a few moments to realize where he was and he thankfully  
leaned back and wiped the sweat off his brow. It had all been a dream,  
one horrible dream, and now he was back home and Rinoa was in bed beside  
him. Just a dream. Just a dream.

'Rinoa' turned over and a pair of dark eyes in a burnt-brown face gleamed  
coyly at Squall. "Ready for round two, ya know...?"

Squall looked at Raijin.

Raijin looked at Squall.

Squall opened his mouth to scream again, then shrugged. "Whatever."  
________________

**Sailor Squall says, ** "We learnt today that it's not good to argue about  
people and their romantic interests. We should just imagine them all  
in one huge orgy and write lemons about it, adding cool things like  
tentacles an' stuff! Wicked cool!"  
________________

The End (Thank God)  



End file.
